here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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