would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
