its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
