Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
