She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
