so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize