seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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