***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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