I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sext me about skeletons
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
