I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
