He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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