Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
