I wish I could teleport
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
