i think my mom watched the whole time
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Randomize
