I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Nobody cheats on THIS.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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