im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
