she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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