it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
