I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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