My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
