so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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