I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
