Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
