my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize