i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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