nut hugger
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
