I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
