hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
