dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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