Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
