and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
