Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
