Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
