sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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