During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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