Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
