i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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