I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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