He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
