she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
