the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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