i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
