we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
