the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Randomize
