I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
