So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
