Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
