I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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