I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
