dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
