I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
