so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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