why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
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